Playing with The Queen of Hearts

Today I briefly mourned my last relationship. Today would have been our anniversary, making it a good day to be reflective on why I wasn't celebrating another blissful year but, instead, staring at the ashes of another total loss.

The Queen of Hearts was added to my body in 2010 as I was in the whirlwind of change in my life. At this time, I was feeling particularly guilty for having been the source of pain for not just my soon to be ex-husband, but for a few others as well. I went to my tattoo artist and asked him to make her a killer - because that's how I felt.

Inside my arm, where you can't see, she is holding a bloody heart, cut from someone's chest. You can see the dagger in her hand in this photo. Her skin is pale and blue because she represents the death of love.

Being this woman was not something I was proud of. It's not why I got the tattoo. Instead, I got it to remind me of the power we have to hurt. And I never wanted to do that again.

This time in my life was NOT a good time to start a new relationship, but I did not know that and I did anyway. The reason is what many of us are guilty of doing - when we find ourselves spinning out of control, our instinct is to grab onto something to steady us. And oftentimes, that something is someone.

However, out of misguided hope for redemption, I swung the pendulum too far in the other direction and worked very hard to NOT run away from danger, to NOT judge someone for their faults & misbehavior, to NOT be selfish with my own needs and to press them onto another person, less I hurt someone else. That was NOT the right choice either.

And this is confirmed by being where I am today - watching a date pass by on the calendar that will no longer have any importance because there is nothing left for this day to honor. May 23rd will simply go back to being just another day.

People without tattoos ask those of us with them "Won't you regret getting one so large someday?" And the answer is no. I will not regret the lessons I learned & earned in my life. They were all supremely valuable in making me who I am today and I will gratefully wear this woman on my arm because she is me.


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