Well, for one - I have written what seems to be a million different bios to describe me at a million different times in my life that I wonder, out loud, what is the point of doing yet another one right now!
I have meandered and flowed through so many pathways, that the only thing I know about me is that I adapt really, really well.
But I also know that I have always been a fighter - but I usually did a better job fighting for others than I did for myself at times.
I am a story and joke teller, and natural athlete. I stand up and speak loudly or sit quietly and listen, depending on the situation.
And I am not fearless. I have been fearful many times - but I act despite being afraid.
Naturally curious, I thrive on learning new things which I do very quickly - faster than most, which has made me a vigorous student of the world around us and an
expert in different fields during different periods of my life. So, obviously, I am very nerdy, a good teammate on a trivia squad, and a person who needs a million different bios.
I love to wax poetic as well as drop F-bombs. I rarely drink these days but when I do, it's likely a margarita or a dirty vodka martini. And I really love music - all of it - but my soul is refilled usually by a good punk song. I will need a hearing aid some day due to too many concerts without ear protection. And no, I'm not worried about how I'm going to look as an old lady with all of my tattoos.
I write to release and I speak to change. I have learned that my superpower is that I can be open and transparent when others can't and being a truth-teller when others won't.
And my friends will say that it's not unusual for me to have found a way to fix myself and to find a way to help others along the way.
MY LIFE AS A MOM
For a while, I thought that I had failed at motherhood. And then I realized it was the other way around. That in fact, this thing we call "motherhood" and "parenting" in our culture failed me. Because it was not like I was given all of the tools to be successful at mothering and I just didn't do it right. The truth was I wasn't given enough to begin with - I was handicapped from day one and I simply did the best I could with what I had.
And I'm not alone. In truth, the fact that my story is not terribly remarkable and might be familiar to so many is what makes this so important.
Like many people, I became a parent with genuine intention and optimism to do my best and to give my children a better life than I had known. But I had little understanding of the unconscious forces at work below the surface that were toxic and unstable that actually doomed me to repeat the sins of my mother. I experienced firsthand what passing down trauma, from generation to generation looked like.
My world dimmed around me - personally and professionally - while I became a dark and distant version of the woman I wanted to be. And at that point, before I suffocated, I abandoned motherhood.
For nearly seven years, I was the "Weekend Parent" until circumstances changed and I was given a life-changing decision - step up and return to motherhood and I said "Yes!"
Today, redemption is not easy. Being a trauma-informed parent and a trauma-survivor is unspeakably hard and demanding. There are days where it still hard to breath but thankfully those are fewer and further between as the healing all around continues.
But the only thing I think about, and what motivates me today is to show up, day in and day out, and be the parent I needed as a child - for my kids and for myself.
And so I learn, grow and share with others, so that we can all get better together.